No White Flag

I went to a house-warming a few days ago and was told by the host to lie about my job. I left. Then I proceeded to out myself as a sex worker on my Facebook to all my extended family and friends through an overly aggressive rant about personal integrity and the world.

Please keep in mind this piece of writing was fuelled by rage, but there’s something so raw and expressive about a good rant. Regardless, I think there’s a few sections the world should hear!

Life is a funny thing. 

I didn’t picture myself to be leaving a social event tonight 10 minutes after I walked in because the host, and old ‘friend’ asked me to lie about my occupation as a proud sex worker to their guests. Previously I would have sat there and tolerated another hour of superficial conversation out of some imaginary courtesy. What is the point in investing time in people who can’t open their minds? I’ve owned who I am and aren’t ashamed to talk real. Fuck your fake ass conversations and dinner table talk. Well shit, last time I was in this position it was my parents asking the same thing of me. 

Yes it is obviously a stigmatised industry but how has change ever occurred in history? It’s sure as hell hasn’t been through avoiding the controversial conversations. Honesty is too much effort for you? If you aren’t true to yourself what the fuck are you? I’m not giving up for anyone. I sleep fine at night. Do you? 

It’s easier for the people in your life to hinder your self discovery, or blatantly ask for you to stagnate in the hopes they might avoid feeling uncomfortable. Listen to your body. That discomfort is designed to precipitate change in your life. You’re uncomfortable with me around? Do something about it. Open your mind and give me the opportunity to help you learn, or make the choice to continue your life without me. 

Make your choices, back yourself and be intolerant to behaviour that is incongruent with your beliefs. Majority of us still think sweeping it under the rug, then lying that we swept it under the rug is a better solution. Majority of people are too afraid of change to be genuine. Majority of people are miserable.

“Lower your voice, you’ll upset the neighbourhood!” haven’t we all heard that one from our families? 

Thank you, but I prefer a different approach. 

Introduce yourself to your neighbours, be genuinely neighbourly, not authoritarian. Never fake. Don’t share your cleverly memorised and religiously recited beliefs passed onto you from your parents. Don’t begin preaching to someone without first learning their life through an unobscured lens and approach everything with an open mind. Take the time to figure out what you actually believe in and what fucking matters to your soul instead of relying on others opinions, first impressions, nonfactual information, false pretences and misunderstandings. 

When you conduct yourself like this in your interpersonal relationships, life starts to feel a lot more like a journey of thrilling exploration instead of a constant battle for the approval of people who care more about their selfish emotions which they haven’t even begun to try to understand than your happiness and integrity. Who knows, if we could cultivate this openness between people maybe next time there’s a ruckus coming from your house, your neighbour’s first reaction might be to come check if you were safe out of mutual respect instead of everyone pretending they didn’t just hear a domestic. 

Oh well. I’m sure they’ll be fine. Someone else will worry about that. Why should I have to? Its not my problem after all. It’s not my friend or relative. OMG. Did you hear about that lady down the road died on the news? How tragic. So sad to hear. Someone should have done something! Oh yes 2 sugars with my overpriced coffee thanks.

Open your fucking eyes. 

People would prefer to make their lives easier and base their friendships on small talk and deceit, pretending to be chummy until things don’t go their picture perfect way or you’re no longer useful to them and the story they try to uphold. 

The reality is that it’s easier to be a bystander and have no voice than it is to actively make the world a better place. Don’t let this be our future. Hold people accountable for their shit, be selfless enough to take an additional 5 minutes out of your day to help another human understand something, offer a hand to someone who is down and out. Innocent until proven guilty, trusted until shown you can’t be trusted. 

Yes, everyone in life is living their selfish agenda, I’m not stupid. But if we stopped lying about it, we could find ways to complement each other instead of jamming jigsaw pieces where they don’t fit. 

How the hell do we even deal with such prevalent issues when people aren’t educated about how to tackle their emotions for effective outcomes? How the hell do we get there when only a fraction of our population understands what true respect looks like. 

Can you imagine a first world government marketing a monetary incentive aimed at the financially insecure and underdeveloped young couples of the nation, encouraging them to birth a new child into the world? Neither can I. Yet, surprise surprise. As a result we have a world full of young people with absolutely no practical knowledge about the world, how to handle conflict, foster healthy relationships, demand respect, manage money or maintain a healthy lifestyle. Amongst part of the youth, we have bred a culture where instead of focusing on bettering ourselves, many choose to become a young parent to fill the void they feel in their life. Great. Now you have an impressionable sponge absorbing your unhealthy traits, opinions, attitudes, and behaviours. The cycle continues. 

But it’s okay, you have options. Begin the gruelling task of working your way up the man made corporate ladder which was designed by and benefits the people at the top, or starve. If you seek further financial assistance for survival, you’re labelled a freeloader. If you steal you can expect to be ostracized by society and be punished. If you beat the system, you’ll be an outcast and told your work is depraved. It’s easier for them to squash your capacity to get out from the obviously shitty cycle of meaningless and ungratifying employment when your avenues are highly controversial. I still pick happiness over not having this conversation. 

When in the hell did I sign my life away on the date of my birth to fit into a system I never asked for? I’m not apologizing for my choices. Or that I have the guts to speak honestly. Or your shame. Draw your own lines in the sand and make your own choices on what you believe in but time is the most precious commodity in life. I’ve saved you all some time in being open here, now do me a favour and get out of my life if you will ever expect me to lie about my character to you. Just because you’re lacking the courage to ask your partner how to touch you the way you like, doesn’t mean everyone else in the world sees the act of having and discussing sex so immaturely. 

I am an independent sex worker, adult content creator, blogger of erotic content and activist for those voices who were told to stay quiet. I am incredibly proud of myself, and for the first time in a long time I can say with conviction that I am proud of the choices I have made. Having the courage to write this message right here, is what I am most proud of. But this is only the beginning. To those who know me best, if it was only my voice echoing into the dark as I said this, my soul would be at peace because I truly know I have nothing to be apologetic for. While I hoped for more support from some circles, I’ve come to learn not to seek external validation or praise from people I wouldn’t take advice from.

If you work any role that necessitates you to leave home on days that are detrimental to you, forfeit events you’re passionate about, leave your dogs alone for 8 hours each day, have your kids in child care while missing crucial moments of their childhood or your job dictates how you dress, how you speak, what opinions you voice and the colour of your hair? I don’t want your advice. Your life isn’t for me. If my way of seeing the world and discussing it isn’t for you, that’s fine. But don’t disrespect my choices to live differently and don’t you dare expect me to lie. You’re delusional if you truly believe we don’t all sell our bodies at work. We are all trading our time and use of this vessel we call a body for money. How much long term chronic damage are we encouraging our young men to endure labouring 10 hours a day? Do you think that affords our men any shot at a healthy pain free experience later in life? all whilst producing more income for your boss than you do yourself? And yet I, a pleasure seeker, am the topic of conversation no one can swallow at the dinner table… I hope you can see how backwards this is. 

The reason we all have shitty friends and crappy relationships and emotional outbursts is because it’s so damn rare for anyone to sit down with themselves for long enough to figure out what they genuinely stand for. What they will and will not accept from people. First to even be honest with ourselves is difficult, but then to risk suffering the discomfort of personal blow back as a result of being honest with others who challenge us? It’s intimidating. 

I’m content with my choices and feel inspired at the thought of the incredible opportunities my work has afforded in terms of networking with phenomenal people, visiting stunning places, experiencing different things, learning a vast range of skills in a huge range of industries whilest living out sexual fantasies many couldn’t fathom. I am incredibly fucking happy with both my personal progress and my progress by societies ‘normal’ materialist framework of success. Most importantly – the growth my soul has undertaken throughout solidifying what actually matters to me is indescribable. I actively chase sex work because I’m genuinely passionate about the people I meet, sexual psychology, BDSM and connecting with some rad people minus the bullshit. Admittedly I like money as much as the next person, and if I have to justify my choices to laymen each and every day? Damn straight I’m going to enjoy the benefits of my well paying gig. We all fuck. If you’re not fucking, you wish you were. No one talks about it because society is comprised of some insecure people who who decided that oral sex should be discussed differently to asking for your partner to pick up a loaf of bread on the way home. Why can’t they all just be normal conversations? 

It is easier to lie. Fucking oath it is. But we need to be better than that. If not me, and not you, then who? Before you can understand, you have to listen, but in order to be capable of listening you need to be willing to leave your preconceptions at the door as you go into a conversation otherwise please find the nearest exit and go follow the flock of sheep. Just stay out of my paddock.

I grew up believing a fantasy, one that I will fight to make a reality. I always thought the people in your life who said they care about you had the brains to prioritize your actions, honesty and conviction as more valuable than the meaningless approval of an acquaintance with shitty morals who never respected you in the beginning. Do decent people degrade you for having opposing beliefs to them? Or would a decent person take the time to figure out where you’re coming from, understand and support you in your endeavours whatever they may be? 

Forcing incompatible relationships to save face causes resentment I’m not about to welcome into my life. We need to learn to let someone walk away amicably – there’s too much life to be living and personal heights to be achieved to bother begging everyone you care about to come around to your way of seeing things. If you believe I will choose to place more value in the trivial rules you enforce from fear of embarrassment over following my moral compass, respectfully see yourself out. 

If you have taken offence or feel personally attacked, all I have to say is it – If the shoe fits, put it on and own your crappy behaviour. Learn from it. Alternatively, please go find another pair of shoes. Away from here. 

If you’re here to be open minded, non judgemental and have a curious soul then you can stick around. I’m an open book. Let’s grow together or piss off x

3 thoughts on “No White Flag

  1. Ad

    Ms Vaccari,
    You should do a podcast, that’s my opinion after devouring your blog. You have so much to offer beyond talking about shit punters! Although that can be entertaining too…
    cheers Ad

  2. Paul Walsh

    Well said. Valerie. Articulate, to the point and dare I say brave? But no not brave but passionate stating what you believe is true and you stand by it. A standing ovation. It has taken me so many decades to reach that point and I am seen as conservative. I learn from you.


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