January 15 2021.
I experienced a miracle today. The organless orgasm. A level I would have told you I didn’t believe in 12 months ago. The more experience I gain with sex, the wider the vast horizons of the world become. The more sorrow I feel for those trapped in loveless marriages or those too afraid to speak up, those too afraid to be honest with themselves.
We have 3 faces in this world. A wise man told me this.
The face you show the world,
The face you share with those very close to you
And the face that only you see.
My heart shatters for those who believe they need to wrap up their thoughts, desires and beliefs without first taking a moment to unwrap their emotions. We have been told to keep these things hush hush. The world is changing and every year we evolve as a species. I know I will be blessed enough to live in a society where sex is not a topic of taboo, nor laughter but as normal as talking about picking up the groceries. The true way this occurs is through more and more people coming to a greater understanding of themselves, and feeling confident that they don’t need to hide their thoughts from fear of ostracism. The less people hide from each other and the more we can share with those important to us, the healthier happier humans we will all be.
Take it from a girl who couldn’t express anything with relation to sex to a partner, to someone who just called a man daddy, melted into subspace and mentally took a shot of heroin. I had to pause here for 10 minutes because I had to masturbate again just thinking about it, a wave of euphoria rolls from the end of my spine to the base of my skull just thinking about it and when you get that feeling – it’s worth going for the ride.
My parents, like many parents but not all.. Simply didn’t know how to effectively communicate with their children about puberty, sex or any ‘awkward’ topic of conversation. At best I had a 30 minute talk in year 5, a sex ed book to grow up with, and occasionally Dolly magazines with the sealed middle segment which provided teens with information pertaining to puberty, love and sex. Even this in itself is evidence of the problem. A commercial magazine distributed to millions of impressionable minds tells us one thing before it even provides us with a sliver of information we seek. That message is clear: This information needs to be hidden. I thought it was normal to not talk about it and suffer in silence, privately consulting with my magazine segment in which the Dolly Doctor replied to teens across the country who submitted questions that they should have felt safe enough to discuss with their parents. Why are we all going to choose to allow our children to grow up ignorant and consequently perpetuate the shitty cycles which have kept us stuck having a life of shitty sex? We need to talk more. About everything. No one can know you’re suffering if you don’t speak up. No one can know what you desire if you don’t speak up.
Today I spoke up. I have a partner which I play with regularly, Sadistic Scholar as you know him. While we’re obviously both avid fans of the BDSM world, both work in the adult entertainment industry, live together, have an open relationship AND I’ve been a full service sex worker for almost 2 years now.. People think I’m pretty adventurous, wild, kinky and open with all things sex. In my work I preach it, but at home I too suffer from the sheepishness you feel when trying to ask for something in the bedroom. I mean, I’ve done a lot.. But in order for me to fulfill my biggest sexual desires, I had to be honest about a lot of personal shit. Had I known these things about myself earlier than 3 weeks ago, I might have done it sooner… But when we’re trying so hard to hide our face, we can trick ourselves into believing that parts of us that exist simply aren’t there. We can’t do that, it’s not sustainable. It’s unhealthy and we unknowingly let parts of our boil over, wreaking havoc on our relationships. I had to be honest with myself that I personally needed a dynamic that filled all the voids I have found in previous relationships but had not been able to identify the root of. I sexually and emotionally desire what the BDSM community calls a daddy dom, little girl relationship.
A Daddy Dom, Little Girl or DDLG relationship is… Well.. even I’m learning. I don’t feel entitled to speak much about it because I’m only just beginning to understand the deep world of domming and subbing. But, at the root of the relationship there is a power dynamic. One leader, one follower. One in charge, one on their knees.
We have been experimenting for a long time but I never understood what I was searching for with our experiences being fantastic but still feeling somewhat disingenuous. I wasn’t being genuine. More than anything in the world I wanted to let the sweet subtle syllables of ‘Daddy’ roll off my tongue and into his ear canal as he drives his cock further into my ass. There is nothing wrong with speaking up. If you’re having sex with someone who doesn’t respect or isn’t willing to discuss or involve what you’ve expressed, maybe they’re a shit cunt or maybe you guys have simply come to the conclusion you’re incompatible. I wrote him a letter recently explaining the revelations I had come to and spent a solid chunk of time crying trying to write; it was incredibly difficult to even put my desires on paper because we’re been trained that sex and any deviant thought is somehow a bad or shameful thing. It is normal. What matters is how you handle your desires. We all have thought of killing someone at one time in our lives, yet that doesn’t make us a murderer. Self control and the understanding of what is right and wrong are the defining factors in keeping play, exactly that.. Play. But how can we expect anyone to get to this level of self realization unless we open up the channels for communication?
Our relationship in and outside of the bedroom has slowly and communicatively developed, and today after shooting a porn scene for Onlyfans found myself insatiable. He climbs into bed with me and I toss the blanket off him playfully demanding he takes his pants off, which is just simply not like me to do.. But my honesty is allowing me to become a truer version of myself, and allowing me to feel free to be playful in a safe environment. I lay with my head on his stomach and gently took the end of his flaccid penis into my mouth, sucking gently while I tried to get a reaction from him.. I love servicing him. He grows slowly in my mouth and I explore him with my tongue until he pulls me up onto him and shows me how he wants me to move my hips to grind into him. I get pretty worked up here and frustrated because I get overwhelmed with trying to focus on my pleasure and his. I slow and my frustration turns into the words “Please be mean to me” falling out of my mouth. I’m not normally a pain slut. The freedom to explore opens so many new doors we couldn’t see in the dark. A solid spanking session which resulted in my screams and squirms to the floor left me hyperventilating and my nerves charged. I gave him my holes, and he used them how he pleased treating me like a good girl would let her daddy treat her. That’s how I see it at least. For those of you who have reached subspace or a variation of this before, congratulations. To the rest of you, please open your minds and start learning. Subspace is an experience I would describe as transcending the realm in which your body and the earth exists. It is a space, a safe box of sorts within the cranium that is dreamlike, floaty and without light that allows you to communicate with your true self, void of interference and shame. It feels like an opportunity to gain clarity on issues causing pain in my life. And, I also had an orgasm which was entirely in my mind. That is pretty fucking surreal. All from being honest with yourself. There was not vaginal involvement in this mental experience but a euphoria stronger than most could dare dream. The reality is this gorgeous space boils down to a cauldron of serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins. If you could experience the euphoric affects of heroin without ever consuming a substance through honesty and sexual exploration I’d say you’re pretty fucking nuts to not spend more time investing in developing this part of your life.
I have spent since I was so young trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why do I have these perverse thoughts. I kept it to myself until 3 weeks ago, with the person I share the most time with in the world and I am sharing it now to you all in the hopes that you find comfort knowing that you don’t need a label provided to you by the most recently published diagnostic skills manual provided to psychiatrists, you need to break down your emotions and identify what is triggering our emotional responses, be honest to ourselves and others about it and let’s start supporting each other in what our parents fucked up on; teaching us how to live happy lives with focus on what is truly important above all else; connecting with like-minded individuals who compliment our uniqueness whilest maintaining our erotic integrity.
Thanks for listening. More updates on me and Daddy to come.